packing up

My journey is beginning to come to an end,
and I feel done.
Done and at peace.

On Friday, I will check out of the hotel
and spend my last days in Prague together with my daughter, Alma.

I am so glad I chose to do this, just for me.
I know it has been quite hard for those at home, especially for Alma.
But I think there may be something valuable in that too.

It may sound brutal, but to try, just a little,
what it is like to be apart.
To not have to hold on to each other in a tight grip,
out of fear that one day we will no longer be together.

To give each other some space.
Not just me.
I hope so.

During my time here in the Czech Republic, I have encountered so much.
Not so much other people, really.
But within myself.

I have enjoyed the tranquility.
Being able to decide for myself how much stimulation I can handle.
Everything has been on my terms, perhaps for the first time.

And from that tranquility,
creativity returned.
At least here and now, it is present.
And that makes me happy.

But I have also encountered grief.
Grief over my illness.
Over no longer having the strength.
Or only having very little.

Grief over most likely not growing old,
not by age, not truly.

Grief over things in life that simply became what they became.
Things that hurt me, and others.
Feelings I have not really faced before,
because I was always running so fast.

Out of creativity, a longing became clear: to gather my life
as it looked during Alma’s first four years.
I had a blog back then and I wrote a lot.

For a long time, the idea of doing something with it has been there,
in the back of my mind.
To truly leave something of value for my daughter.
For when she gets older.
For when she hopefully becomes a mother herself.

And so that she can get to know even more of me.
Not only as her mother, but as a human being.
How I was handling life as a thirty-something.

A testimony from the beginning of her life.

My longing turned into action, and the compilation is now complete.
What remains is to think about the book itself, its form.

Everything feels overwhelming and emotional on so many levels.
And beautiful.
Sad and beautiful.

And now I long to go home.
Home to those I love.
Oh, how I love them.